They normally sound something like this- “Dear Lord, protect our children’s hearts and minds. When they are faced with difficult situations, help them make wise choices. Give them strength and courage, kindness and compassion, love and energy as they face another day. We pray this in Your Holy name, Amen!”
Solid prayer. All true, all from the heart! But, lets be honest. Sometimes it just feels better to lay it all out there before God, right? Sometimes we just need to get raw and forthcoming with our prayers.
That’s why I love this excerpt from Tina Fey’s book, Bossypants. My wife showed this to me last night on Pinterest and we both laughed. Mostly because we’ve uttered things like this before in our prayers. May it bring a little laughter to your Saturday morning, especially if you’re about to kill your kid for the terrible choices he or she just made…
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a B**** in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
There you have it. Nothing held back. We can agree, as parents this is just the way we feel at times, and these are the types of prayers that have come from our hearts. I firmly believe that God delights in our authentic, heartfelt requests. That’s why I think this is so unbelievably hilarious! I’ve prayed things similar to this before. How about you?
Question: What “honest” prayers have you prayed for your children lately? Comment now and join the conversation…