How Do You Get Through To A Child Who Doesn’t Think Logically?

Author of 5 books, podcaster, parent trainer, husband and father.

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We used to think that carrying a piece of drywall around with us so we could bang our head into it every time we had to re-explain something to our kid, or try to reason with him, was the ticket. And then, we discovered a better way to connect.

A friend and I were recently talking about our kids when he said something I totally identified with- “Mike, he just doesn’t think. It’s like there’s no ability to think logically. I tell him to not do something and he does it anyway, even though he knows he’ll be in trouble!” I nodded and repeatedly said, “Yep, I know. Right there with you.” If I had a dollar for every time I was in this position…..retirement come early!

We went on to talk about the reality of FASDs (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) which both of our sons suffer from. The fact is, logic, self-control, reasoning, impulse control, and emotional regulation are all aspects that are non-existent, or in limited supply, with kiddos who have these disorders (more on why in a minute). To try and relate to your child with logic can often be futile. They just may not be able to think logically (insert need to carry around a piece of drywall…or a flask of Jim Beam…here!). Perhaps you identify with this. You may be nodding your head as well, as you read this because you’re in the same boat. Maybe you’ve tried and tried and tried (unsuccessfully) to get through to your child but their inability to think through things logically has made it difficult.

It’s not working. At all. We totally understand. We spent many a year communicating with our son from our own logic and understanding of how the world works. After all, that’s how we were raised and, being two smart, productive human beings, that’s how we function. We could have been talking to a brick wall and received better results. It just didn’t work.

So, the question then becomes, “What do we do if we cannot get through to a child who has an inability to think through things logically?” Here are 4 valuable keys that have served as game-changers for us…

  1. Understand what’s missing. I’m not a doctor, I’m a writer. But I’ve been in this trench with my child for the past 13 years, and I’ve come to understand a few things about trauma. Trauma changes the brain and brain chemistry. Particularly trauma that results from drug and alcohol exposure in-utero. It’s permanent brain damage. Specifically, the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for executive functioning, which is responsible for abilities to differentiate between conflicting thoughts, determining good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social control. Whew…that was a mouthful. All of this is severely damaged, missing, or sporadic with kids who have experienced trauma, especially those who have experienced drug and alcohol exposure in-utero. This is your beginning framework for re-relating to your child…
  2. Adjust your expectations. Once you understand what’s missing, it’s time to adjust your expectations. You can’t expect a person who is missing the part of their brain, responsible for reasoning, logic, self-control, impulse control, etc. to think through things logically. Your expectations need to be adjusted. You wouldn’t look at a person bound to a wheelchair and say “What’s your problem? Why won’t you just get up and walk? I’m doing it and it’s easy. You should too!” would you? Probably not because that would be offensive to the billionth degree. Plus, they simply can’t because a valuable part of their body, responsible for helping them walk, is missing. Thus, a valuable part of our child’s brain is missing or low functioning. You and I must adjust our expectations. You must expect that they are not going to think through things logically, or take much longer than a normal functioning child to do so. This does not mean they do not face consequences for their actions, nor is it a permission slip to treat you, or your household, disrespectfully (more on that in a minute). What it means is that you interact with them differently and you expect that you will spend more time showing as opposed to explaining.
  3. Stay calm, remain firm. So, once your expectations are adjusted what do you do? Does this mean they don’t have to follow the same house rules as everyone else? Nope! Does this mean they can get away with disrespectful talk because their brain doesn’t function like other children? Absolutely not! Your position with your child must be one of complete calmness and unshakable firmness. In other words, no matter what the situation, or the emotional state of your child, you take on a position of calm and you remain firm with expectations.Case in point- your child is trashing the house, throwing things all over the place, and basically holding the household hostage (I may or may not be using an actual experience…:-)). What do you do? First and foremost, YOU (yes, you, in all caps!) keep your emotions in check. You, as the adult, are responsible for the emotional thermostat in the room. As my good friend, Dr. Ira Chasnoff says it- “Control the environment!” So you stay calm but, at the same time, gently remind him that he will be responsible for cleaning the mess up when his tantrum is finished. And, (calmly…deep breaths) “We will not be going to the pool, or the park, or the store (or whatever the thing was that you were going to do, or he was going to get) until the mess is cleaned up.” Calm and firm…calm and firm. This has been one of the single most game-changers for us in interacting with our oldest son, who has FASD.
  4. Repeat, repeat, repeat. You may have to take your child by the hand (figuratively if not literally) and repeat yourself over and over again. Let me say that differently- You WILL have to take your child by the hand and repeat yourself over and over again. Picture your circumstances like the movie Groundhog Day, where everything is a repeat of the day before. Remember, your child may not be able to remember the expectations, guidelines, or boundaries from one day to the next. Print them out on a posterboard, hang them in a very visible place, then calmly and firmly show your child the poster board and walk through the guidelines again, even though you already did this. I know it’s frustrating…I know it’s exhausting…but so is expecting an understanding that may or may not come naturally without your assistance.

If you’re a frequent reader of Confessions, then you’ve probably come across our top recommendations for resources. Our go-to book for re-relating to your child, who has experienced trauma, is the book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes. When Kristin read it, and later shared it with me, it was as if a ray of light beamed down from the heavens. It helped us adjust our expectations and re-invent our approach. We can’t recommend it enough.

One last thing, if you have been in that position of wanting to bang your head against drywall as you try to get your child to understand his or her actions. You are not alone in this my friend. Just know that and take that to heart. We are there with you and we are cheering for you. That’s the reason this blog and this post exists. Every day is a new day and a chance to start over. So, you may have royally screwed this up yesterday. That’s okay. We all have. Today is where you are now. And today is a brand new start for you and your child!

Have you struggled to relate to your child who won’t think logically? Share your story with us in the comment section below.

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Mike and Kristin Berry are the Co-Founders of The Honestly Adoption Company and have been parents for nearly two decades. They are the authors of six books, and the host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.

Sarah Gray

Sarah Gray is the executive assistant to Mike and Kristin Berry. And she is the best in the land. In addition to providing a warm and friendly response to the many emails our company receives on a weekly basis, she also manages Mike and Kristin’s speaking and meeting schedules, and makes sure that team events go off without a hitch.

Nicole Goerges

Nicole Goerges is a Content Contributor & Special Consultant for The Honestly Adoption Company. She works with Mike and Kristin as a recurring co-host for the Honestly Adoption Podcast, and co-host of Kitchen Table Talks, exclusive video content for Oasis Community, along with Kristin. She is a fellow adoptive mom, and former foster parent.

Matt McCarrick

Matt McCarrick is the Content Production Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. If you’ve loved listening to our podcast, or enjoyed any of the videos trainings we’ve published, you have Matt to thank. He oversees all of our content production, from video edits, to making sure the tags are correct on YouTube, to uploading new videos to Oasis, to hitting publish on a podcast episode, he’s a content wonder!

Karen Anderson

Karen Anderson is the Community Engagement Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends the bulk of her time interacting with, and helping, people through our various social media channels, as well as providing support for Oasis Community members through chat support or Zoom calls. In the same spirit as Beaver, Karen is also passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and supported. Karen is also an FASD trainer and travels often, equipping and encouraging parents.

Beaver Trumble

Beaver Trumble is the Customer Care Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. Chances are, if you have been in need of technical support, or forgotten your password to one of our courses, you have interacted with Beaver. He is an absolute pro at customer care. In fact, he single-handedly revolutionized our customer care department last year. Beaver is passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and encouraged.

Kristin Berry

Kristin Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Content Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends most of her time researching and connecting with guests for our podcast, as well as direction, designing and publishing a lot of the content for our social media channels, blog and podcast. She loves to connect with fellow parents around the world, and share the message of hope with them.

Mike Berry

Mike Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Marketing Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. He spends the bulk of his time and energy designing and building many of the resources you see within our company, as well as social media and email campaigns. His goal is to use media as a means to encourage and equip parents around the world. He is also the co-host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.