This past weekend we attended a discussion group in a small coffee house in a neighboring town to ours. The topics ranged from pain, to overcoming grief, to God, to suffering in the world, to personal struggles. And then the facilitator asked us a question that we’ve rarely been asked over our 15-year adoptive journey: “How do YOU process and work through your child’s trauma?
Over the past 5 years, in particular, we’ve spoken on, written on, and counseled many on how to help their child through their trauma. We’ve even driven home the importance of self-care and being in community when the you-know-what hits the fan. We’ve written articles, posts, recorded podcasts, even taught breakout sessions at conferences on understanding trauma, techniques to apply to your parenting when your child is in an all-out rage, and more.
But when it comes to the nitty gritty, down to the bone, personal processing of the trauma your child has gone through, and continues to go through, sometimes we float past that. And it’s not something I’ve spent much time considering. Me. Us. We. How do WE process this? How do WE spin in our minds, this child whom we love, and the pain, fear, rage, and fight that lives within him all..the..time?
I answered as best as I could. I talked about all of the things we’ve shared with the thousands of parents who follow our work. I even shared honestly some of our own thought process when we’ve been in the muck and mire of the trench hoping and praying for a shred of hope to shine forth.
And then it hit me just how we process…..
A safe space.
A real space.
A non-judgmental space.
A place to dump our truck of deep emotions, let others know that we’re not okay, and not receive the typical jaw-clinching, eyes bouncing away from us, “I can believe he just said that,” subtle raise of the eyebrow look from well-meaning people who have no freaking idea what I’m talking about (or pretend not to)!
Fact is, we’re on-guard so often that we rarely take time to really, deeply grieve over our children. Rarely do we give ourselves permission to process the desperation we feel deep in the caverns of our heart for these children we so deeply love and cherish. The list is long….the haunting memories they can never escape. The fear that propels them to behave in ways that leave us exhausted and emotionally done. The fight for control that they cannot fully understand or articulate. The longing in their eyes to connect, but the inability to do so.
We’re guarded, and rarely show weakness because so much is on the line. To be completely honest (as if we’re not already all the time), we fear showing any amount of weakness….any amount of vulnerability. We’ve been burned by school counselors, therapists, pediatricians, and OTs in the past when we’ve done this. When we’ve decided to let our guard down, show our grief, share our children’s trauma (not from a factual perspective, but a broken one), we’ve been labeled, criticized, and judged.
And we really, really, really, really don’t need that. We’re in the fight of our lives here. We believe in our children….we love them as if we created them biologically, but we’re in a constant state of advocacy. So, no, we don’t take time to personally process their trauma….to grieve….to ugly cry without inhibition….allowing the deep hurt we feel for them, that spends its time pinned up in our brain, to flow freely.
That’s where it begins. That’s what we need to process…. that and maybe a cup of coffee….or a shot of whiskey….or a massage for 7 days straight….just sayin!
The person facilitating the discussion group said those golden words as we wrapped up…. “We want this to be safe space for you.”
Yes. A million times over….YES!
How do you process your child’s trauma? Share openly in the comment section below (no one here will judge you…promise!).