Shame

Author of 4 books, podcaster, parent trainer, wife and mother.

Share This Post

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on reddit
Share on email
This is an open and honest post by my wife Kristin. In the post, she chronicles our struggles with our oldest son, who suffers from mental illness. Our hope is that any parent reading this, who deals with this with their own child, will find hope and comfort, and a voice.

I’m perched on the edge of our outdated plaid love seat, watching the scene before me. I glance away for a minute and inspect my bare feet. I make a mental note that my toenails are an embarrassment. Then I laugh, but only in my head. Pedicures are the least of my concerns these days. I allow my mind to drift from the present. I begin to tick off a list of the most recent embarrassments, heartbreaks, fears, and crushing grief stricken moments of this year.

I stretch one bruised leg, and then the other. He’s gotten stronger. I feel a scratch on my cheek. Is that from this morning? I wonder. I can’t gauge what is normal. I hear my children’s laughter coming from the other room where they are locked safely away, sharing a pizza. One child says, “It’s a party!” Another wants to know when he can say hi to the police. The security cameras we’ve installed capture everything. They run all the time. No one even thinks about them anymore.

We follow a safety plan seamlessly, but are we really safe? Are we really living? I snap back into focus. The officer wants to talk to me. I’m ready for battle. They never understand mental illness anyway. Someone will probably hand him a sticker and pat him on the back. That’s usually what they do. He is 10 after all, and cute as a button. As I sneak a look at him, head down, tiny frame slouching, I feel it too. Disbelief. Someone so small could never have done this much damage.

The officer and I step outside to talk while two more stand guard over my son. He’s telling me that he sees the safety plan and how hard we’ve worked to keep our son at home. He’s telling me that he understands Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. He knows that the brain damage isn’t my son’s fault. He also understands that we won’t allow him to use his disability as an excuse. For the first time, someone has seen my greatest shame and isn’t judging me or my son. He wants to help…and I actually believe him.  “No one is going to press charges this time.” he says. I’m glad.

“He is going to the hospital to be admitted to acute care.” I’m relieved. The officer has offered to transport him. It’s up to me. For just a moment, my mind drifts to the days when my husband and I first adopted him. I remember him clinging to me. My sweet, hurting baby. Then I allow myself to imagine the  future and I know it’s time to help him face reality. It’s time to help him turn this around. I ask the officer to take him. “I’ll follow you.” I say.

My son turns away from me as I tell him the consequence. I see that he feels the shame I feel. Tears trickle down his cheeks. I long to wrap him up in my arms and make this all go away. I know I can’t so I squeeze his hand. He looks me in the eye as we stand to leave. “I know I need help mom. I’m going to turn this around,” he says.  I kiss his forehead. “I know you will,” I say, “You’re better than this.”

From the doorway, the walk down the driveway looks long. I see the curtains in other windows shift as neighbors pretend not to see. I fight the urge to shrink into the safety of my home. I won’t hang my head any longer. The Lord snatched my son from the fire once. It is by His mercy that my son was saved from a life of domestic violence, malnutrition and neglect.

It is only because of the precious gift of God that I get to be my son’s second mother. I choose to raise my head high because I know that fighting for my son and my family is my greatest responsibility. I squeeze my son’s hand one more time. Then He and I bravely cross the threshold, facing our shame, and stepping into the light.

Have you gone through, or are you going through the same thing in your family? We would love to hear your story.

Share This Post

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on reddit
Share on email
Mike and Kristin Berry are the Co-Founders of The Honestly Adoption Company and have been parents for nearly two decades. They are the authors of six books, and the host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.

Sarah Gray

Sarah Gray is the executive assistant to Mike and Kristin Berry. And she is the best in the land. In addition to providing a warm and friendly response to the many emails our company receives on a weekly basis, she also manages Mike and Kristin’s speaking and meeting schedules, and makes sure that team events go off without a hitch.

Nicole Goerges

Nicole Goerges is a Content Contributor & Special Consultant for The Honestly Adoption Company. She works with Mike and Kristin as a recurring co-host for the Honestly Adoption Podcast, and co-host of Kitchen Table Talks, exclusive video content for Oasis Community, along with Kristin. She is a fellow adoptive mom, and former foster parent.

Matt McCarrick

Matt McCarrick is the Content Production Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. If you’ve loved listening to our podcast, or enjoyed any of the videos trainings we’ve published, you have Matt to thank. He oversees all of our content production, from video edits, to making sure the tags are correct on YouTube, to uploading new videos to Oasis, to hitting publish on a podcast episode, he’s a content wonder!

Karen Anderson

Karen Anderson is the Community Engagement Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends the bulk of her time interacting with, and helping, people through our various social media channels, as well as providing support for Oasis Community members through chat support or Zoom calls. In the same spirit as Beaver, Karen is also passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and supported. Karen is also an FASD trainer and travels often, equipping and encouraging parents.

Beaver Trumble

Beaver Trumble is the Customer Care Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. Chances are, if you have been in need of technical support, or forgotten your password to one of our courses, you have interacted with Beaver. He is an absolute pro at customer care. In fact, he single-handedly revolutionized our customer care department last year. Beaver is passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and encouraged.

Kristin Berry

Kristin Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Content Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends most of her time researching and connecting with guests for our podcast, as well as direction, designing and publishing a lot of the content for our social media channels, blog and podcast. She loves to connect with fellow parents around the world, and share the message of hope with them.

Mike Berry

Mike Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Marketing Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. He spends the bulk of his time and energy designing and building many of the resources you see within our company, as well as social media and email campaigns. His goal is to use media as a means to encourage and equip parents around the world. He is also the co-host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.