How To Empower Your Child To Build Healthy Attachments

Author of 4 books, podcaster, parent trainer, wife and mother.

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Our children's trauma history can drastically disrupt the development of a health attachment with you. In fact, it's something we may spend their entire childhood, or adolescence, working to rebuild. But what about their relationships outside of our care? Or their future relationships? How do we empower them to recognize and build healthy attachments with others, who are trusted and safe?

Children attach to a caregiver as a natural part of their development. A child will attach first with his or her mother, then the father, and then consistent caregivers such as a grandmother, big sister, or aunt. The child will build this ability to trust and practice it in daycare, preschool, or kindergarten. As the child grows, they will form different levels of attachment to friends, coaches, teachers, and eventually a spouse and children. When that first attachment is disrupted, a domino effect happens with future attachments.

Here are some ideas for helping kids learn how to build healthy attachments:

  1. Be patient. Attachment will take time. Allow your child to take as much time as needed (maybe even 30 years). Allowing this attachment to happen as naturally as possible will empower your child to lead the way in making attachments to others in his or her future.
  2. Be consistent. You remain the same even though your child will draw close and push away throughout childhood and possibly into adulthood as well. This is natural for all children, but for our children, it can feel magnified. Stand strong as a parent. Love unconditionally.
  3. Learn methods for attachment. Work with a therapist who specializes in attachment, bonding, and trauma. Read about attachment. We recommend our new book, Securely Attached: How Understanding Childhood Trauma Will Transform Your Parenting. You can also find recommended resources in our partner blogs and resources section of our website. Find what your child needs and seeks out. Your attachment strategies will vary depending on age and personality. As you learn, teach your child. They will need these strategies if they are to be empowered to bond with their friends and future spouse and children.

As we often talk about with trauma, remember that trauma changes the way our children view the world around them, and interact with it on a daily basis. As our good friend Andie Coston says, “Trauma colors everything!” It does, and then some. You may also spend a long season dealing with behaviors that are prompted from a trauma history. The most important thing you can do as a caregiver is consistently remind yourself where this behavior is coming from. That allows you to step back and respond differently to your child.

What are some ways you are empowering your child to build healthy attachments? Share with us over social media below…

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Mike and Kristin Berry are the Co-Founders of The Honestly Adoption Company and have been parents for nearly two decades. They are the authors of six books, and the host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.

Sarah Gray

Sarah Gray is the executive assistant to Mike and Kristin Berry. And she is the best in the land. In addition to providing a warm and friendly response to the many emails our company receives on a weekly basis, she also manages Mike and Kristin’s speaking and meeting schedules, and makes sure that team events go off without a hitch.

Nicole Goerges

Nicole Goerges is a Content Contributor & Special Consultant for The Honestly Adoption Company. She works with Mike and Kristin as a recurring co-host for the Honestly Adoption Podcast, and co-host of Kitchen Table Talks, exclusive video content for Oasis Community, along with Kristin. She is a fellow adoptive mom, and former foster parent.

Matt McCarrick

Matt McCarrick is the Content Production Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. If you’ve loved listening to our podcast, or enjoyed any of the videos trainings we’ve published, you have Matt to thank. He oversees all of our content production, from video edits, to making sure the tags are correct on YouTube, to uploading new videos to Oasis, to hitting publish on a podcast episode, he’s a content wonder!

Karen Anderson

Karen Anderson is the Community Engagement Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends the bulk of her time interacting with, and helping, people through our various social media channels, as well as providing support for Oasis Community members through chat support or Zoom calls. In the same spirit as Beaver, Karen is also passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and supported. Karen is also an FASD trainer and travels often, equipping and encouraging parents.

Beaver Trumble

Beaver Trumble is the Customer Care Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. Chances are, if you have been in need of technical support, or forgotten your password to one of our courses, you have interacted with Beaver. He is an absolute pro at customer care. In fact, he single-handedly revolutionized our customer care department last year. Beaver is passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and encouraged.

Kristin Berry

Kristin Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Content Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends most of her time researching and connecting with guests for our podcast, as well as direction, designing and publishing a lot of the content for our social media channels, blog and podcast. She loves to connect with fellow parents around the world, and share the message of hope with them.

Mike Berry

Mike Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Marketing Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. He spends the bulk of his time and energy designing and building many of the resources you see within our company, as well as social media and email campaigns. His goal is to use media as a means to encourage and equip parents around the world. He is also the co-host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.