How To Achieve True Intimacy In Your Marriage.

Author of 4 books, podcaster, parent trainer, wife and mother.

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Several weeks ago Mike wrote a blog post called Sex Starts In The Morning, and it went viral. The post was a challenge to husbands and wives. The premise was simple: If we choose to serve one another and put the other's needs above our own, it can create the healthiest marriage possible. Several readers wrote back and asked if I would write a response (from a wife's perspective). Here it is...

Let’s get one thing straight- I’m not the kind of girl to kiss and tell 😉

I must first admit that when I saw the word “sex” in the title of my husband’s post I was embarrassed. For crying out loud, my kids and parents read this blog! What was my husband thinking? Then I read the post and laughed a little. He is so sweet. I appreciate his kindness and honestly so much.

I have been asked to write from the perspective of a wife and, to be truthful, I’ve struggled a little. My husband did such a nice job of describing servanthood that there’s no need to repeat what he said. Servanthood is placing another above yourself. For me that means folding endless amounts of socks and pausing our favorite tv show so he can take a phone call. It means making a favorite meal for the ones I love and leaving the good parking spot open when I know he’s going to get home late.

Servanthood is a gift but it is not something specific to marriage. You can serve your children, a neighbor or even a complete stranger. You may stop to hold the door for an unknown person, but you will probably not sleep with her. On the contrary you may have a one night stand with someone whom you care nothing for. My husband wasn’t talking about serving the neighbor and he wasn’t talking about sleeping with a stranger. He was talking about marriage. The thing that makes marriage different from both of these scenarios is intimacy.

I love to look up words in the dictionary! I’m pretty sure it’s one of the things my husband loves about me too 🙂 Here are a few of the definitions I found on intimacy as they pertain to marriage.

Intimacy- A loving personal relationship with another person. 

The truth is I would never want to be with anyone else. There is no one I would rather wake up to than my husband. Every morning he brews a pot of coffee and I smell it before my feet even hit the floor. I quickly make our bed and meet him at the bottom of the stairs in his cozy little office. Before I do anything else, I say good morning. Each day is worth looking forward to because I share each day with him.

If you regularly read this blog you know we have a lot of children. Sometimes as the day ends we are so exhausted we stare at each other cross eyed. My favorite nights are the ones when we’ve finally tucked those sweet kiddos into bed and we meet by the fire pit off our back patio. We choose the bench seat so we can sit close to one another. We talk late into the night linking fingers, sipping warm coffee and laughing.

Intimacy- The quality of being familiar; Friendship.

My husband and I are the funniest people on the planet. Ok, maybe not but we sure think we are. If you pass us on the highway or get stuck behind us in the school pick-up line, you may find us belting out EVERY word to an Aerosmith power-ballad. (You know which one I’m talking about.) Possibly we will be carrying on a conversation using only movie lines. Sometimes our kids get in on the jokes too.

Our 7 year old loves to ask in his singsong, 2nd grade voice, “Mommy, do you have a boyfriend?” I answer “Yes, it’s Daddy, he’s sooooooooooo cute!” and revel in the gagging sounds my 7th graders make from the other room. This entertainment often frustrates and embarrasses our children, thus making it the absolute perk to being in a loving friendship for over 15 years.

Intimacy- A deep knowledge or understanding.

If I hear a funny joke, he’s the one I want to tell.

If I’m puking my guts up, he’s the one I want to bring me a bucket.

If I have good news, he’s the one I want to share it with.

My husband and I met almost 17 years ago. We were filled with youth, and passion for life. We are a little older now. A little less idealistic but not less passionate. We have embraced this life together. We have weathered storms that our 19 and 20 year old selves could not have imagined. I’ll never forget the quiet of the car ride home after we buried our newborn daughter.

Glancing over to see the pain on his face, a reflection of the same pain I felt ripping my heart in two. I knew that he was the only one that deeply shared my pain. On the flip-side we have also shared joy that we never could have anticipated. I love nothing more than seeing his grin widen into a full smile.

Intimacy- sex.

And that, my friends, is none of your business.

Join the conversation! What is your perspective?

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Mike and Kristin Berry are the Co-Founders of The Honestly Adoption Company and have been parents for nearly two decades. They are the authors of six books, and the host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.

Sarah Gray

Sarah Gray is the executive assistant to Mike and Kristin Berry. And she is the best in the land. In addition to providing a warm and friendly response to the many emails our company receives on a weekly basis, she also manages Mike and Kristin’s speaking and meeting schedules, and makes sure that team events go off without a hitch.

Nicole Goerges

Nicole Goerges is a Content Contributor & Special Consultant for The Honestly Adoption Company. She works with Mike and Kristin as a recurring co-host for the Honestly Adoption Podcast, and co-host of Kitchen Table Talks, exclusive video content for Oasis Community, along with Kristin. She is a fellow adoptive mom, and former foster parent.

Matt McCarrick

Matt McCarrick is the Content Production Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. If you’ve loved listening to our podcast, or enjoyed any of the videos trainings we’ve published, you have Matt to thank. He oversees all of our content production, from video edits, to making sure the tags are correct on YouTube, to uploading new videos to Oasis, to hitting publish on a podcast episode, he’s a content wonder!

Karen Anderson

Karen Anderson is the Community Engagement Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends the bulk of her time interacting with, and helping, people through our various social media channels, as well as providing support for Oasis Community members through chat support or Zoom calls. In the same spirit as Beaver, Karen is also passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and supported. Karen is also an FASD trainer and travels often, equipping and encouraging parents.

Beaver Trumble

Beaver Trumble is the Customer Care Specialist for The Honestly Adoption Company. Chances are, if you have been in need of technical support, or forgotten your password to one of our courses, you have interacted with Beaver. He is an absolute pro at customer care. In fact, he single-handedly revolutionized our customer care department last year. Beaver is passionate about connecting with parents and making them feel loved and encouraged.

Kristin Berry

Kristin Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Content Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. She spends most of her time researching and connecting with guests for our podcast, as well as direction, designing and publishing a lot of the content for our social media channels, blog and podcast. She loves to connect with fellow parents around the world, and share the message of hope with them.

Mike Berry

Mike Berry is the co-founder of, and Chief Marketing Specialist for, The Honestly Adoption Company. He spends the bulk of his time and energy designing and building many of the resources you see within our company, as well as social media and email campaigns. His goal is to use media as a means to encourage and equip parents around the world. He is also the co-host of The Honestly Adoption Podcast.